When I was an xray student...

I hated school. Everything about it was terrible to me. I hated the tests, projects, and homework. Everything. But I knew I had to go to college if I wanted to get a decent job. Ugh.

I chose to go into the medical field because of my father. Ever since I can remember I was spending birthdays and holidays in and out of the hospital due to his health as well as mine (pre diabetes). My dad had two heart attacks by the time I was a teenager and had open heart surgery under his belt. On top of that he had prostate cancer and was getting the seed therapy treatments. He was ALSO managing diabetes for the most part of his later life. All I knew of were hospitals.

One day after I had a blood test I was hanging out with my dad and that when he mentioned the future and what I could think about doing. He said 'nurse' and I curled up my nose at the thought. I care, but not that much. I would fall for a patient only to be crushed if they died. Then he said 'xray tech'. A light when off and from right then I knew what I wanted to be. I was going to be an xray tech.

There are currently only two school in Vermont that has a radiology program. One had a mile long wait list and the other was smaller and seemed better for one on one help. I only applied to that one school. I was accepted and began my life as a college freshman taking pre-requisites. While I loved anatomy and physiology, I struggled with even college algebra. That was only the start of my math woes.

Myself and 13 others were accepted into the radiology program at my college including a couple of my best friends. The number slowly dwindled down to 10 in the end due to overwhelming work and failing grades. One student quit after the first class after hearing our program director give her introduction speak. One sentence in my my still sticks to this day, 'For the next two years of your life you are mine.'

Before I knew it I was towards the end of my first semester of the program and failing my physics course. I was getting tutoring from other students as well as the teachers but I was still failing. I was heartbroken. But I stayed up quoting formulas and conversions and the properties of xrays. I'm a fighter.

At the end of one class my physics teacher handed me a little slip of paper with the number 84 circled. This was what I needed on my final to pass and continue with the program. I looked her right in the eyes and said 'I can do this.' I went home for Thanksgiving break with victory along the horizon.

Then my world came crashing down.

On Thanksgiving day at around 8 in the morning my father passed away from a heart attack.

There are moments in your life where you find yourself at complete ends with every little thing around you. My dad, my rock, my male role model who helped me walk and taught me so much about the world was gone... and never coming back. Never becomes a very permanent thing.

While I was wallowing in my heartbreak in the back of my mind was the oncoming pressure of my final exam. I needed to get the grade. I needed to do this for dad.

I came back to school after taking a week off to take care of buisness, completely missing review week. I took all of my other exams but saved the physics exam for two days after on my own.

I walked in that day with everything I could remember tattooed into my brain. I sat down and started writing only pausing to use my calculator. I handed in my test and felt the bile rise up into my throat. My teacher sat there running he pen down the answer sheet pausing at a couple of spots to mark a wrong answer with the red ink. Every check made my head feel lighter and lighter. Finally she said two words...

'You passed.'

The air left my lungs as I stood in front of her. The tears swam into my eyes and to my embarrassment I was crying in front of senior students taking tests. She got up and hugged me and said, 'you made him proud.' All I could do was nod and sniffle pathetically.  

In my whole life I never thought I was special or worth much but on that day I felt like the greatest person in the world. Even while I was drowning in an ocean of grief, I kept my head above the water.